Sitting here in the hospital room, watching every move my baby boy makes, trying to help bring relief to his tired and fighting little body. The things you hope you never have to do. Yeah, this would be one of them.
Last week Claire was admitted to the hospital and praise God, she got to leave Monday morning. But just the night before she was released, I had to bring in Ezra to the ER for the same thing plus some pneumonia. Strong little man though, we've seen him take a turn today. Last night was one of the most difficult nights of my life. Watching him struggle to breathe. Him being in complete discomfort and me not being able to do anything to ease the pain. I didn't completely know how hard it is to be in a hospital with your baby hooked up to tubes and wires and hour by hour watching hoping they improve and overcome a virus. I've prayed for babies on prayer lists that were in the hospital, heard many stories of babies sick in hospital, seen the pictures, but didn't fully understand what it was like until now its my baby. But Papa God's grace and love have come rushing in. Oh His love runs deep. One of the worst moments was about 24 hours ago being told I can no longer feed him because it makes him so gasy and hard to recover in breathing. And him having to stay in his chair and we can no longer hold him. I was stripped of every last bit of help I could offer Ezra and have landed in God's lap weeping and crying out for His healing, trusting in God alone. Praise God I'm able to feed him just a little tonight because of the improvements he is making. It's been quite the heartache to go through.
There is a "but" to add.
Just caught a Facebook status from a worship singer I love to listen to and was encouraged.
"Only God can heal the wound of heartbreak and use it to draw us to Himself. May you feel the healing ointment of His name sooth the ache. He is Beloved and He is near the lonely, healing the brokenhearted (Ps. 34:18)" -Misty Edwards
So true. His healing anointment is poured into our hearts in the places that ache. And we can surely know Papa God aches even more to see the pain we hurt over.
There are thousands of reasons I can find to be thankful for, so getting depressed over this is just not on my agenda. Letting fear rule me, no way. Can't say I haven't been tempted to completely freak out and think "will he make it?" But Ezra is going to be ok. Several have commented on what a fighter this little man is. And we speak that over him, he is a fighter and a little warrior for God he will be. You know, what we speak over our children is so powerful. Proverbs 18:21 "life and death are in the power of the tongue... " So especially in a time like this, we have been careful to speak only as we hear Papa God speak. In a hospital, you've got medical terms flying left and right, most good but some not so encouraging. We were encouraged to speak over him the meaning of his name so we have continued to keep declaring it.
Ezra means "God helps". Justice means "justice" :). Ezra was a prophet in the old testament who led 5,000 israelites out of babylon and back to jerusalem. He also rebuilt the temple. With our children, we've named them meanings that declare goodness over their life but also go along with the time in our life. So for Ezra, there's many reasons we named him this, I won't get into detail right now but to sum it up, Ezra in the bible was a restorer. This past year has been one of so much restoration in MANY way. In our marriage, personally, in Mattaw, with dear dear friends, and so on. Now, some might not quite see it, and that's ok, we know that we know within where Holy Spirit has led and the wondrous works he has done this past year. Anywho, that could be a rabbit trail. The point is, the name Ezra to us is more than just "God helps" but also one that leads others to freedom and also "restoration".
So we keep on declaring over his body that God would bring complete restoration and justice. Because injustice is a sweet adorable squishy little baby having to endure this virus. Absolutely unacceptable! It just aint right.
We've seen God answer and fulfill that declaration. Even now as I look over to see Ezra Justice able to get an extended amount of sleep and look at the monitor and see his heart rate, oxygen level and respiratory are all within the range we are shooting for. Which means it's time for me to go get some zzzz's too!